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I was a child when my aunt said, "I never get depressed. Whenever I wake up in a bad mood, I just decide to be in a good mood." While on the surface, it sounds like a beautiful prescription for living, that is likely when the stigma surrounding depression first took hold in my subconscious. Depression is a weakness, and you can choose not to have it. That stigma – not the depression itself – almost killed me.
When I hiked to the start gate at Red Bull Rampage last year, I didn’t know that I wouldn’t be back the following year. I wasn’t thinking about much other than ‘holy fuck, how does it still look this terrifying after six years?’.
Hike 11 | It’s been far too long since I’ve written a blog post. These photos of our visit to Bryce Canyon are from October last year as we travelled to Utah for Red Bull Rampage and were a surprising reminder that Stu hasn’t always had a moustache.
Hike 10 | This past September I headed out to tackled the Nitinat Triangle and part of the West Coast Trail as a packraft and hiking trip with my cousin Sarah, her husband Dane, and Stu. Our goal was to find a trapping cabin on an island on an obscure lake that had belonged to our great grandmother.
Hike 9 | I was free of the soul sucking sadness that comes with stepping on the scale and watching the number climb or trying on everything in my closet before determining that nothing will hide my pregnant looking belly. I was free.
Hike 8 | You know when you suggest a hike to a group of friends who you’ve never really hiked with before – and then you realize that you don’t really know where you’re going? Yeah. That was this hike. But it’s also pretty much my whole life.
My brother has always been extremely talented but seeing the streams of cars and kids flow past his house last night, even before the lights were on, really brought that fact home for me.
I pay attention to my surroundings and who I am with. I am vigilant no matter what situation I’m in. I am careful. I have always been careful. But being careful didn’t stop me from ending up in a bad situation.
Hike 7 | Part way through this hike – it was a slow amble at best, I had to cut it short. I told Stu that it wouldn’t count, that it wasn’t long enough, I hadn’t achieved enough, it wasn’t. . . enough.
My mom is anxiously waiting for my return – in part so that I can say goodbye, but also so she doesn’t have to do it alone. As I settle into my nine-hour drive home, I think about the last time I made such a heartbreaking journey.
Hike 6 | Even though we were disappointed to miss out on completing the whole Skoki Loop, the smoke did clear enough for us to spend two days on it. I learned a few things on this hike - from the practical to the ridiculous - and here there are!
While going through some old boxes the other night, I found a letter that my dad had written to me – but I had no memory of.