Bike Mag: What I'd do for a Bike Hat

I’ve been lusting over a Bike hat for some time now. It seems that everyone in my life has one.
Everyone, except me.
While I was on the road with Sombrio, I quietly plotted how I was going to get myself this one crucial bit of schwag. I even managed to liberate one from its owner for a short time before sheepishly having to return it. No amount of eyelash batting or flattery would return it to me. In light of the fact that I clearly can’t flirt my way into this new bit of headgear, I’ve compiled this list of 100 things I would do for a Bike hat.
This goes out to the “higher-ups” at Bike who, apparently, hold onto these things as if they were made out of gold….
1. I would call your grandma a dick.
2. I would show you a boob, but just one.
3. I would show you both boobs.